ache

"Sometimes, even the best of us make rash decisions. bad decisions. Decisions we know we’re going to regret the moment, the minute especially the morning, after. Ok maybe not regret, regret but you know, we put ourselves out there. still, something inside of us decides to do a crazy thing, something we know, will probably turn around and bite us in the ass. Yet we do it anyway."

the only question that remains, is why. why. you desperately fear the answer to that question, yet your overwhelming desire to know will be what will haunt you, torture you, plague and manipulate you and ultimately ruin you.

different things trigger different memories. you run away from these things. you dont sit at that table anymore, you dont listen to that song, you let yourself under no circumstance visit that place again. somethings are harder to run from. what if its a colour that reminds you of him. what if its a time of the day, what if that place is a place that you have to walk past everyday....

the mind doesnt forget.

its remarkable, what the mind conjures up to deceive itself. the sweetest daydreams, cotton-candy spun fairy tales. the mind is unwilling to forget. the mind makes excuses, it consoles, it hides. the heart refuses to let go. it doesnt hurt. but something gnaws at it, nibbles at it, eats it away. you dont feel it, when you're working, sleeping, talking. the minute you are on the tram, in the shower, the instant your mind is not otherwise preoccupied, it comes back to you, it all comes back to you in a flood, in a wave so powerful, so destructive, you realise that it does hurt, much more than you let on.

no more

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

never gonna happen.

the line

people say that there is a fine line. i didnt believe it, because to me, that line didnt exist.


in the light of day, everything, everything is different. without the haze of alcohol to take comfort under, you want to take it back, the line that you've crossed, the line that only became clear, that only made existent when one has actually crossed it. that same line which leads straight into the aybss of awkwardness, apprehension, angst, fear, dread yet undeniable excitement that pools in the pit of your stomach. you are now in the land of the "undefinable". not there, not here. in between, stuck. somewhere.

never gonna happen (:

never gonna happen.

SPUNK

2 things happened today that made my life just a little bit more surreal

1) one of my classmates was wearing her bra on the OUTSIDE , ala sophie in "love me if you dare"
2) in the middle of the lecture, some girl shouted "PENIS" loudly enough for 300+ people to be shocked into silence. luckily the lecturer didnt hear what word she said. its not like we were having anat and the lecturer asked "what do you call the male sexual organ?". it was a biochemistry lecture, for god's sake!

i think german girls are seriously up for anything. seriously.

infatuation

you'd think that after helen locked me out of BOTH my studivz AND my facebook account AND took away my nutella so i wont hit an all-time low of eating it straight out of the jar, that i'd be able to concentrate and get my ass down to work. but no, instead i sit around and obsess over a certain someone/ arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. seriously!

talk about randomness

-completely out of the blue my flatmate turns to me one evening and asks:
whens your birthday?
me: 6th september
she: oh! on that date when me and my ex-boyfriend first did it
me: *looks at her slightly alarmed, speechless*
she: you know, we did it, we had s--
me: *cuts in* yeah yeah, i know
-pause while i digest the information and think "omg, why is she telling me this"-
me: so whens your birthday?
she: 21st march
me: oh, guess what. i didnt do anything special on that day

during apoptose lecture, receive a note from friend (who was sitting one row and 6 pple away from me, right in front of the professor) with the following written on it:
"the biggest word you've ever heard and this is how it goes: ow.... SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPLIALIDOCIOUS"
me: *thinks: wtf?!!?!?!?!*
him: *grins at me*
me: *grimaces at him*
him: *whips out his cell phone and takes a photo of me* ( did i mention that he was sitting RIGHT in front of the prof, plus his camera had flash)
me: WTF?!?!?!!!?!!?

another lecture, another time, friend sitting next to me:
i love you
me: i hate you
she: i love you
-no words needed-
oh, did i mention that it was completely out of the blue?

and people tell me i'm random!

good friend on MSN:
what's at the joint between the leg and the pelvis
the front part? i fell down from my bike today and it hurts there.
me: thats your hip joint, darling
she: i think i might have injured my uterus
me: *expires from laughter*

OVERHEARD in Heidelberg
on the tram- 15 year old boy speaking to 12 year old boy:
dont call your ex-girlfriend. i mean, who calls their ex-girlfriend?!! thats just handicapped!
me (to self): maybe thats why she broke up with you
(his exact word was "behindert" which means "handicapped", though on hindsight i think he meant to convey "lame")

good friend on MSN:
my girlfriend wants to get sterilised
me: *jaw drops*
him: i want my kinder!!
me: *OMG I CANT BELIEVE I'M HAVING THIS CONVERSATION*

a time to feast

its the time of the year, where eating 4 peaches in one day is in fact, the appropriate thing to do; where ones diet consists almost exclusively of the finest home-grown strawberries and cherries plucked straight off the trees growing on campus, a colour of wine red, the deepest, most seductive maroon.

i try.

i be the best i can